The author openly states that her book reflects all the romantic
and erotic fantasies she has had during her life time. The heroine is young, beautiful, witty,
curious, smart and healthy. Her
attraction, Christian Grey, is handsome, rich, articulate, desirous, solicitous
and most of all, controlling.
While the book is not a “must read” for everyone, its
popularity is a reminder of the important role that fantasy plays in a woman’s
sexuality.
Fantasies are one of the key aspects to sexual arousal, and
can be powerful motivators whether they are unspoken mental images or acted out
between consenting partners. Mental
images can serve to augment sexual response without feeling anxious or guilty. They
allow the person to envision different scenarios within the container of their
imagination.
When acting fantasies out, discussing their significance and
the roles each partner will play is important.
The goal is to enhance the relationship between the couple and to deepen
their emotional connection during and after sex.
Setting boundaries and having a safety word that stops the
action and protects the partners is equally essential. Physical abuse and
statements that cause emotional pain do little to create long term sexual
satisfaction. In fact, the effect is
usually emotional distancing that often ends with denial of sexual
participation and even separation and divorce.
Fantasies among women and men differ, with some seeming
bizarre to the partner. When sharing a
fantasy, it is helpful to say that it can remain only a fantasy and not be
acted out. This also enables couples who
choose to share their fantasies to be non-judgmental. Fantasies may change with age and maturity,
and the longer the relationship continues, the more this change may be noted.
Most health care providers are at ease in discussing issues
regarding sexuality and fantasy with their patients. Providers also may suggest their patients see
a counselor whose schedule allows for extensive discussion of this matter in a
safe environment.
Rhonda Borman, LCSW
